Just the Rain
by She's a Star
Summary: After telling Christian she doesn't love him, a heartbroken Satine reflects as she walks back to the Moulin Rouge.


Just the Rain

By She's a Star

Disclaimer: Moulin Rouge belongs to Baz Luhrmann. 

A/N: Hmm...lucky you, you get to read about the whole history behind this fic! Every time I've seen MR, the storm scene after Satine tells Christian she's staying with the Duke has really depressed me. There have been a few fics about Christian after she tells him, but as far as I know, none about Satine. So I decided to write one myself :) Hope you enjoy it.

  
  


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'Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide, but I love you until the end of time.'

  
  


I can feel my heart breaking. The pain is more awful than anything I've ever experienced, for it's so much more than just pain. Guilt and sorrow mix in with that awful stinging. And self-loathing. 

How could I be doing this to you?

You brought me to life...for so long, for so very long, I was nothing but a pretty face, an empty shell. 

A porcelain doll. Lovely to look at, but cold to the touch.

And then you came along and you sang to me and you loved me, and I learned that dreams weren't the only things worth living for. 

Those secret kisses and whispered sweet nothings finally caused the sun to rise in my soul, making the cold nothing more than a distant memory that could be easily repressed.

Now the cold is back. The day, filled with sun only moments ago, has erupted into a storm. It's as if all our pain combined has come alive, surrounding me and sending shivers down my spine.

I'm expecting to feel myself slowly freeze back into the Sparkling Diamond, but that airy nothingness doesn't come. I'm just Satine, lost and alone in the cold. All I want to do is throw myself to the ground and cry, cry until my whole body shakes and Death takes over me. 

The show must go on, Harold says. We're creatures of the underworld, we can't afford to love.

I have so much. I'm the wealthiest courtesan in all of Paris. I'd give up every diamond necklace, every silky robe, every luxury I have to love him. 

But I've lived in sin for so long that I don't deserve to love. I deserve all this pain, this horrible pain. 

But Christian...

He's so sweet, so pure, so naive. He truly believes that love can overcome anything.

Believed.

The second I told him, he looked as though his whole world had just been turned upside down, as though he'd just learned everything he'd ever believed was a lie.

I hate myself for doing this to him.

I was hoping so desperately that he would realize that there was no way I was telling the truth, that I still loved him and was only doing this to save him. 

But he didn't know. He had no way of knowing.

I hate being a good actress.

I hate myself. 

The rain is pouring in huge droplets now, glistening like diamonds. I stare up into the sky, so gray and dull, and can't even begin to believe that we'd danced across that same sky.

It all seemed so different now. 

As though I'd been living in color, and now I was being forced back into a world of black and white.

Water is running down my face, tears combined with raindrops. I'm sure I hardly look like the beautiful Sparkling Diamond now, with makeup running down my face and red eyes. But does it really matter?

Nothing matters anymore.

I'm nearing the entrance to the Moulin, and I can't help but loathe it. To outsiders, it seems like paradise...a place to escape the dullness that is everyday life and live a fantasy. But really, it's a prison. The second you step inside the courtyard, you've sold your soul to hell, and there's no way to get it back. Forever, you're bound there.

Flying away is impossible.

A few middle-aged men dressed in suits are walking down the street, and they stop to eye me incredulously.

Is that the Sparkling Diamond? their eyes, widened in disbelief, seem to ask. Surely she isn't crying! Surely she doesn't have a heart!

I don't care what they think anymore. For so long, I've been trying to hide who I am, instead making myself into who everyone else wants me to be. But Christian...all Christian wanted me to be was myself, and it was so amazing. I'd almost forgotten who Satine was.

I push through the doors with difficulty, feeling as though my arms are about to snap. How many times had I gone through those doors easily? My life was draining from me...I could feel it. 

But that didn't matter. Death seemed such a sweet escape, compared to the hell I was living.

The Gothic Tower looms above me, so dark. I don't want to go inside...I don't want to give the Duke the satisfaction of knowing that he was right, that he'd always get his ending. 

A cough escapes my lips, soft at first, but then becomes more and more powerful. I feel as though my chest is being stabbed with thousands of tiny pins, and the world begins to sway around me.

No, I instruct myself. You won't fall. You won't fail. You'll be strong...the show must go on.

Slowly, evenly, I walk into the Gothic Tower, putting on my Sparkling Diamond façade for what seems the millionth time in my life. I want nothing more than to be Satine, to fall into Christian's arms and cover his face with kisses and make him believe that I was lying, that he's everything to me.

But I can't let him be killed.

My life is nothing. Once I'm gone, I surely won't be missed. People will shed a few false tears, force frowns onto their faces and murmur words of regret that they don't mean. After all, I was never a person to anyone, just a marketing toy. 

Except Christian. I was a person to him.

Though I tried to stop it, my mind began to wonder how Christian would react when he heard of my death. Would he be sad? Despite my breaking his heart, would he feel the tiniest bit of pain?

Or would he shrug it off and find a nice, respectable girl with a good family and blonde ringlets who will be able to make tea and raise children?

At this I feel a fresh surge of pain seem to rip my heart in half, and I force myself to stop.

Taking a deep breath, I stand up a bit straighter and push open the doors to the Duke's room. He is standing by the window, and at the sound of my loud, echoing footsteps, he turns. 

There is a smile on his face, so smug and superior that I know there was no need for me to say anything.

I did anyway.

"You must forgive me, Dear Duke," I say in a voice that isn't my own, but the Diamond's, rather. "I can't even begin to imagine what I was thinking last night...I've been a bit ill lately, and I'm positive I was delereous."

I laugh lightly, a sound devoid of humor, and the Duke contorts his face into an even wider smile.

"Perfectly fine, my sweet," he responds, taking my hand in his own. 

I shudder at his touch. It isn't one of affection, or love. It is of control. I am his now, a mere possession, and the touch was meant to tell me so.

"I'm afraid I have to be going now," I say softly, not daring to pull my hand away from his. He isn't sane...there's a positively murderous glint in his eye that gives away that much, and I wasn't a fool enough to do anything to upset him. I didn't care in the least if he hurt me.

But if he hurt Christian...

"I need to go rest a bit before the production," I finish.

"All right," he agrees with that wicked smile. "I'll look forward to seeing you tonight on the stage, my dear."

I forced a smile. "Au revoir."

He releases my hand, and I force myself not to run as quickly as possible from the tower. Instead, I saunter slowly from the room. 

As the door swings closed behind me, I can hear a whisper coming from inside.

"My dear...my sweet...my diamond."

I shudder. Never, never am I his. He can cling to my body if he likes; soon it will be nothing but a corpse. But my soul, my heart will always belong to Christian.

Though he'll never know.

With a dismal sigh that isn't even close to expressing my heartbreak, I step out into the storm once more. Slowly...slowly I make my way back to my prison. I'm almost there, and then-

"SATINE!"

Immediately, tears begin to stream down my cheeks, and an invisible hand seems to squeeze my heart until I want to cry out in pain.

But still I walk, a bit faster now. If I stop, I'll turn back and run.

"SATINE!!!"

It's all I want, to turn around and run to him. Throw myself into his arms and kiss him and whisper to him and sing and tell him how much I love him.

I almost do.

My feet are slowing down until I've almost completely stopped.

But no. I can't let him die because of my own selfishness.

Tears streaming down ivory cheeks, I break into a run, the wind pulling my hat from my head and causing my hair to whip across my face.

Filled with misery, I swing open the door to the dance hall and practically fling myself inside. 

Harold is waiting by the door, eyes filled with concern.

"Pigeon," he says, almost timidly, "Are you crying?"

And suddenly, I know. Harold, my beloved Harry, practically my father, doesn't even being to suspect how deep my feelings are for Christian. He truly believes it was a mere infatuation.

Even Harold, who I've known all of my life, doesn't know that his sparrow can feel true love.

"No," the Sparkling Diamond replies airily. "No, of course not, Harold....it's just the rain."


End file.
